Definition of Evolution

Get behind me, lazy bum.

2010-11-13T15:38:00.002-06:00

I have a friend who sits. I mean, not only is he physically capable of making use of his hind-end, he's also proficient at it.

I have watched, on multiple occasions, people ask this person to do a job, or to help with a task, or just engage on something. But these requests seem to fall on deaf ears. This friend will apply himself for a brief period - then POOF... Gone. Not to be seen again for the duration of the task.

I like this friend. I really do, but he's going to have a tough life when it comes to work and life. But I'm not writing to belittle him. I'm writing because I see me in him. The spiritual me.

I'm not sure how many times in my life I have heard good life from Daddy and have forgotten or vanished mid-lesson. I everyday I have an invite to know and be known - but I'm too lazy for that. I'll do it for a little bit, then something distracts me, or it requires too much time and energy. I spend more time on my spiritual ass than I do in the daily task of knowing Daddy.

And yet Daddy spends more time constantly creating me into something new. It is more than I could ever be worthy for. So good to a sitter like me!

I have another friend who is lonely. He's older, a widower. An incredible, caring guy. But he is shy. He doesn't really go out to meet new women. He is where he is.

If we want to know love, we must chase our lover. We must cast off the stuff that holds us down and go after our lover. That's what daddy did first.

I don't know scandalous love. I know good love, safe love, love that isn't, love that is conditional, love of family - lots of different kinds of love. But what is this scandalous love that is Daddy? I want to know. I want to run to that.

I want to be created again today. And get off my ass.

Either blogging sucks, or I suck at blogging. You pick.

2010-10-22T15:32:00.002-05:00

Here it is, another attempt to make this blogging thing a habit. We'll see how it goes.

Honestly, the come and go is probably a good thing for me - it usually takes me about 6 months to figure out what is going on in my own heart! The update? Sure, thanks for asking.

I like Jeremy - shocking, I know. Especially for those of you know know me. But honestly, I'm realizing just how deeply this runs. Somewhere I adopted this whole idea that serving and helping was a good thing (and it is!) - but not when my second thought is "what will I get out of it?" I don't want to serve to be served.

Here's the kicker - I've just been informed in my heart that I'm also unteachable. I think that until my heart is actually informed - it is only head knowledge and that never changes very much (except the size of one's own head). But seriously, I don't like correction, I don't like being wrong - and I don't do well when people tell me I'm wrong.

This is a pattern I don't want.

I don't like it in others, why would I expect others to like it in me?

Finally - it has really clicked this week that I have a let's-go personality with a whole lot of keep-up-or-get-out attached to it. If you're close enough to my life that this statement makes sense, thanks for sticking close and sticking it out. I'm learning to let others set the pace for life and friendship - please continue to stick it out with me!

So friends, lovers, countrymen - I'm in the process, you have my word. I'm learning to love and to be loved and I'm learning to let go of the perfect Jeremy so I can embrace the screw-ups around me...

For those of you who bother to read this crap, here is another idea from the brain of Jeremy. Please connect and get involved. I need your help!

...

2010-03-20T20:54:00.001-05:00

Thy mercy my God is the theme of my song
The joy of my heart and the boast of my tongue
Thy free grace alone from the first to the last
Hath won my affection and bound my soul fast

Without Thy sweet mercy I could not live here
Sin would reduce me to utter despair
But through Thy free goodness my spirits revive
And He that first made me still keeps me alive

Thy mercy is more than a match for my heart
Which wonders to feel its own hardness depart
Dissolved by Thy goodness I fall to the ground
And weep for the praise of the mercy I've found

Great Father of mercies, Thy goodness I own
And the covenant love of Thy crucified Son
All praise to the Spirit whose whisper divine
Seals mercy and pardon and righteousness mine

-Caedmon's Call

Long Road Out of Here

2009-12-17T02:38:00.002-06:00

Tonight has been an entirely sleepless night. I don't know why. I just can't seem to get my brain to turn off. I'm tired, have to be up in less than a half-hour - but yet sleep evades me.

I know what it is. I'm lonely. I'm tired of living in this tired little town. I'm bored with not having friends here - people to hang out with, laugh with, and just share the grittier parts of life with. Don't get me wrong, being so close to family has been an amazing experience and it has given me the safe haven I've needed to begin the healing process from some very deep wounds - but more and more I am hearing the call of the road.

I don't know if that road is leading to Harrisburg, or something farther and newer and seemingly more exciting. And unfortunately, I'm having trouble knowing what the Lord is saying about any of this as well. I know He hears my heart - I have no doubt that. It is my ability to hear His that I doubt.

One of my issues of thought this evening has been my propensity to look back when I cannot see forward. Honestly, this is one of the reasons I hate Facebook - it enables me to stay safe by looking back on past friends rather than focusing on the Lord and looking toward where we're going next. Sure, staying in touch is great, but not when staying in touch is a crutch that may keep me from LIFE.

I suppose it is life I'm most interested in. The problem is, when I don't have an inward sense of vivacious living, I have a tendency to begin to emotionally self-destruct. The Goo Goo Dolls said it best in their lyric, "...you bleed just to know you're alive." It's a pretty awesome downward spiral (sarcasm). I'm hurting, so I'll hurt myself to just check my life-level, which causes me to hurt more. Rinse and repeat as necessary.

Funny thing is, I've known this about myself for years - and so has my family. They've warned me about it, but pain is weakness leaving the body, right? So this whole process must be good for me, right? Enter the realization of, "Jeremy, that makes no sense..."

So what now I suppose. Where is God. As Anita would say, "where is the Christ figure in this story?"

Here... Always has been.

I was recently in a worship service that I desperately wanted to leave. Honestly, the worship leader was just not doing it for me. But you know what? God's cooler than that worship leader and He started speaking to me anyway.

He reminded me that He has always been Faithful and good to me. Even when I'm the farthest I can be from those things (especially toward Him). He said so clearly that I have forgotten promises that He's made over me, but that He doesn't forget one word, promise or covenant ever made between us. Whoa! It is weird to realize that you've forgotten to remember God's goodness - and to have the Goodness of God remind you of it.

That's a feeling I like.

So you know what? Tonight on this sleepless night, that's where I'll start. In thanking Him that He remembers all His promises to me, then asking Him to remind me of them as well.

That's a conversation worth staying up for.

“No good. I’ve known too many Spaniards.”

2009-11-23T14:28:00.000-06:00

Friends,
It has been a long time since I’ve had the desire to post anything on here. Life just got too big and fast paced for a while that keeping up for real was impossible – let alone throwing in the idea of blogging about it!

But it is the holidays, so life is slowing down a bit for me (is that weird?).

Since my last post I started a job at the Lowes in Harrisburg PA. I walked through the door, asked for a job as an assistant delivery driver, and was hired as a manager. God’s favor is an incredible blessing! It is really amazing to know that you’re being looked after.

Six months later, I’ve been able to trade out of the old and dying 4Runner I used to drive. I purchased a 2001 Tundra from my old roommate in Mississippi. It’s white and I’m actually a big fan of pickup trucks. I might make a good red-neck after all.

I’ve also gone through some more management training at Lowes and am hoping for a promotion when I become eligible in May. I am also finalizing my training for the world of EMS, so I’ll have some new opportunities through that to help people with my time and energy.

A few years ago I loved Worship. I loved being a part of it, leading it – crying out to God and blessing His name. In the midst of that love, I was blindsided. I was betrayed by friends who should have been the most trustworthy people on the planet. In fact, in one fell swoop, they were able to dishearten my entire family.

It has taken years – and we’ve all had to learn how to struggle, to bleed, and to ultimately cry out to God in our own way. My way has been to go serve others. If I’m helping others with their pain, I can forget my own. Right?

Unfortunately, the rainbow will always end. It will always force us back to facing who we really are. In my case, I am coming to grips with how ferociously I can run from more pain. I am facing the Jeremy who becomes comfortable in the mundane; the inner-urchin that constantly begs for attention from fading sources.

Lagniappe became this for me. They were perfect. They should have loved me perfectly. But poorly conceived wishes always birth strife, and what a painful birthing process that can be!

GRACE. It comes into those WTF? flashpoints. It can and should be the very arms we are able to so safely fall back into. It allowed me to see that even on my best day, I’m a recovering attention-addict. I have a deep seeded desire to know someone and to be known. The problem is that I consistently direct that toward the finite (even usually other Christians). I can say now without a doubt – this is a horrible strategy, for I’ve known too many Christians.

And thus I have started what I thought would be a long journey home. I started attending a good Church in the area here. It is a group of people who want to walk in love, joy, and worship which is a pretty good combination if you ask me.

Have you ever noticed how when we’re paying attention, all of nature screams out revelation of God? Happened to me. This week I was driving to work and I was pondering what life would be without gravity. All too often we dream about the ability to fly or to float, but even while we’re thinking such things, we’re counting on gravity to end our flying session. We get angry that gravity holds us down, but forget that our most basic existence is because of this unseen force. Sure, we want to do without it – but we want the ability to call the shots. We certainly want to be in control, but only when it is convenient for us to be. I’ll bet anyone a weeks worth of coffee at Saint Thomas Roasters that you see God the same way. I do all too often! But what of those days when we submit to the gravity? If we pull our head out of the stars, is walking with a loved one all that bad? Or lying in a field on a summer night to watch the fireworks? It is so wonderful when we fully embrace that which we so often try (ineffectively) to rebel against.

God speaks. If you don’t believe me just ask Him to. That being said, I’ve started asking Him to speak again. It has been slow at first. Tuning in my ears to His voice is a bit of a process since being out of practice. But He’s good and He’s patient, which is good for slower guys like me. He has shown me some beautiful pictures of where I’ve been, where I am, and where He wants to take me. I love the steps that He orders our feet in when we ask me. I must admit, I had forgotten how exciting it is to walk with Daddy!

At this point, I’d like to do a shout-out to my friend Merridy. Without her help I would still be stumbling around in the gray, trying to earn my way back into grace. Seeking and searching for whatever it would be that would put my life in order again enough for God to want to pay attention to me again. It was her words of encouragement that showed me that the same Spirit that was within me years ago, when I so loved and knew how vivaciously I was loved, still lives within me. He never left! Elementary? I know. Life changing? Absolutely!

So here I am, standing on the edge of the rest of my life. I’m tied to only one thing and He can move like the wind at any moment. It is scary, but it is also exactly where I want to be. I want Him. I want to live solely for Him. The journey has begun. I think I’m buckled up. My job from here on out is to let Him be my un-rebelled-against gravity.

Coming soon, to a Blog near you.

2009-11-15T20:31:00.002-06:00

Friends. The time has come again. I am being found more and more each day. I'm finding a new peace and joy with each sunrise.

And also I might just start using this blog again - all that to say, stay tuned for a monster updatethatwillendallupdates. Coming soon!

2009-04-21T10:29:00.002-05:00

Hi
I'm building furniture for rich people. I've been living on cheeses, exotic salads, humus, and lamb. I just wanted y'all to know I'm alive and well! I feel great and finally have some good projects to work on.

I've been staying in a loft apartment overlooking to stone walled herb gardens and private lake. I have no Internet access at my apartment and very minimal cell signal. It is so nice! All there is to do each day is build stuff and play with Moose.

I've also gotten back into working with autocad. After Mississippi it was the first work to surface. It is good to be drafting again! I've also gotten four calls this week from employers. Some pretty good opportunities. We'll see if any of them work out all the way. This is not a good market for job hunting. I'll be selling a kidney soon just to make ends meet.

Alright, back to work.

I need a bailout

2009-03-24T22:03:00.002-05:00

I can't find a decent job that pays even remotely enough to live on or offers benefits. Goodnight.

For Beth

2009-03-09T20:56:00.002-05:00

Alright - I'm not really in the mood to write a blog. But, due to pressure from friends... I shall make a brief post.

I'm alive, first and foremost. About two weeks ago I put in my notice to leave Lagniappe. As most of you know, the church was making a transition to phase two which leaves the majority of us in a time of major transition. But I was the first one off the ship and so here I sit. At my parent's kitchen table in PA, trying to find whatever work I can get my hands on. What can I say, children first; Moose has to eat.

The trip home went well. I took a few days and toured around Eastern Tennessee. You win Henry Paris. The area certainly is beautiful. Maybe I should buy your house.

Options on top of a job? School, Kenya, Oregon. Who am I kidding - those of you know know me know that I probably have a ton of ideas spinning around in my head. Oh, come on. You love it!

That's not it at all, but that's about all I feel like writing right now. I'm feeling quite a bit better. I imagine that a year of stress probably played a large role in the pain I've been battling with since October. Time with my family has certainly helped that!

But yes - I'm around. Moose is well. We're figuring out what's next and as I know that I'll keep the world posted.

Peace

Zen and the art of "what the heck now"?

2009-02-18T18:45:00.000-06:00

What a journey! For those of you who are un-aware, Lagniappe is preparing to move into phase two of its original plan as a mission church. We’re unsure of the face that this transition will ultimately take, but as of May ’09, we will be closing down the construction portion of the church – which will effectively end my time on the Mississippi Coast. The exit is bittersweet. I know in my heart that I’m tired, that my soul needs a chance to go rest – but I see the amount of construction that still needs to happen and this just makes me feel like I want to stay. It is interesting to need to find grace to come to the coast, to spend more than a year finding grace to stay, and now searching for the grace to leave.

I can’t say even to as where the road will take me. I have a number of options including going back to work for myself, going back to school, or even moving to Kenya to supervise the construction of hospitals there. I’m not sure what doors are going to be opened up to me – but I’m sure there will be an adventure that is worth pursuing through each one.

I’ve been home for a bit over a week now, trying to find relief from pain, visiting doctors, and trying to just be at peace with not swinging a hammer. The doctors have found no evidence of a serious pancreatic issue through this process and are encouraging me to just continue to search for patterns or anything that might give more evidence to where this pain originates from. I will say though, that even now as I sit at the airport, I am in far less pain then when I flew up here.

I was able to spend the majority of my time just taking it easy. This included spending time with family, seeing a few friends, and a lot of time just sitting in a coffee shop near my parent’s house and reading while they were at work. If you’re ever in the Harrisburg area, be sure to check out Saint Thomas Roasters in Linglestown. They serve excellent coffee, all roasted in house. And having me say that means a lot considering how much of a coffee elitist I have become!

I’m on my way back to the coast right now. I’m excited to see Moose and have the down time to just figure out what is next. I’m planning on a lot of fishing and hanging out on the beach so I can just have the time to talk with the Lord and see what’s next.

Thanks for checking in on me! You can be praying for me as I look for the next step in this journey!

Much Love

Prayer

2009-02-04T22:34:00.003-06:00

Please keep praying for me regarding my pancreas. I just finished booking a flight home so I can see my doctor. I'll be landing in Baltimore on Thursday, about mid-day. Please continue to pray for my healing, that God's peace and love will minister to my heart, even through the pain and the medication. Also, please pray for my family. As you can imagine, this brings up many of the same fears we struggled with when this issue put me in the hospital before. Both of my parents are having a tough time with worrying about me and my health. I can't say I blame them - I'm worried too.

All that to say - please just be praying for me and my family. Thanks for your love and support.

Tiime for a Shorty

2009-02-01T16:21:00.002-06:00

Alright. Construction is going well. We're almost done with a few houses! More on that at a later date though.

I really need prayer right now. My bout with chronic pancreatitis has re-flared up. I was in the hospital last night as a result and will be spending the rest of this week taking it really easy. For those of you who have walked with me through this process, thanks for your prayers and support.

I'm going to be taking it really easy for the next few days - so if you'd like a more personal update, please call. We don't have internet at our house so email and skype will be very difficult for me to get access to. Also, please pray for the Lord's provision through this time. I need grace at work - but grace for myself also. Additionally, my insurance is underwritten for anything with my pancreas (stupid pre-existing conditions) and thus this entire expense will be out of pocket. Finally, the medication they have me on really messes with my head. I will be spending the next week struggling with depression, discouragement, and nightmares. These are the side-effects that this medication hits me with. Thanks for your support and your love.

Oh... and Moose is doing well.

Another day, another...deck?

2009-01-17T09:47:00.003-06:00

Well, it is Saturday and I suppose I have nothing better to do than to sit at the Mockingbird Coffee House and blog.

I had a successful week out on the site! We're still working at the same house as last week. This week I had thirty volunteers total, only ten of which were I directly responsible for. It was a small group from William and Mary college. Two of the student had been interns on staff here at Lagniappe during previous summers. I was good to have them with me because the rest of the team had little to no experience. Nonetheless, we hung drywall on Monday because the finishers were coming in to work on Tuesday. Lagniappe found it is cheaper and easier to sub-contract out the drywall finishing than it is to do the work with volunteers. I'm pretty thankful for this because in Pearlington, when a house was ready to be finished, it was a three week job, nearly fifty buckets of mud were used, and the jobs were never finished very well. More than once I just got tired of three weeks of sanding to just remove the globs of first-coat that was put on by inexperienced volunteers and would just have them paint it as it was.

Back to Lagniappe.

Tuesday we jumped in on deck building. Unfortunately Tuesday was difficult because it turned into the team watching me as I cut and hung stringers for the stairs, and got posts cut off the right height. Some jobs it is just better if I do them then try to teach someone else how to do them.

Wednesday I lost all my volunteers to another project. They were taken to another site and started building a house there. The neat part of this project is that it is a house that we took down this summer. Piece by piece, it was taken apart, labeled, categorized, and move to another site. Once at the new site, every part of the house was gone through, all the rot was replaced - and on Wednesday this team worked with a local contractor to start rebuilding this house under the shade of a huge live oak down near the water. I think it is a pretty great project because the homeowners were willing to spend the money to maintain and restore a little piece of the history that is Bay Saint Louis.

Wednesday night the team took me to New Orleans. We went to dinner at a local BBQ shop (I wished they had asked me where to go. Then maybe we could have eaten somewhere that the food is actually good). Once in New Orleans, we went to an old German bar on Bourbon St. It was a fun environment, the music was alright, and a Sprite cost me $5. We didn't get in until late and I was exhausted the next day for sure!

Thursday and Friday were pretty uneventful. I think Moose was having a bad day both days, because she was being a real bitch. Nearly every time that I would call her or tell her to do something, she would just sit or lay down and watch me. It is pretty frustrating when she does that. Especially when she's stopping traffic because she decides to have her defiant moments in the middle of the road. Oh well, I forgive her.

Overall, it was a pretty good week. Some bumps in the road but nothing worth writing about.

Ok, funny story just happened. Right now.

I'm over at the Mockingbird Cafe, drinking coffee. I may or may not have passed gas a few minutes ago (I'm claiming nothing) but magically, there was suddenly a very ripe stench that appeared around me. Well, just moments after the owner of the coffee shop came in and walked over behind me and reached over my shoulder to remove a poster that is on the wall next to my table. My favorite part of this is that I have a picture hanging on the wall in front of me in which I can see my reflection along with the things going on behind me (for those of you who want to be international spies, you understand how important spotting your perifs are). Well, she hovered over me for a second, made this contorted face of disgused, reached up and held her nose while she was removing the poster off the wall. Also, she may or may not have thrown up in her mouth. I would have missed the entire show if it had not been for the picture on the wall. As a result, I feel the need to give a shout out to CSW Photography. Thanks for trying to sell your pictures here at the Bird.

And I apologize to those of you who did not find humor in that story at all. I know Janice did, so Janice. That one's for you.

Tomorrow I'm leading worship at the Church. our normal worship leader is off on some unspeakable adventure and which makes it my duty to fill in. I'm excited. I think we have a good set and we certainly have a great group of musicians. After church I have a birthday party at the local bowling ally for a five year old who's house I helped build in Pearlington. I'm looking forward to that - I think it will be a really great time! I love that this job gives me the chance to be a part of people's lives in such a personal way. Each house, each family, and even each day just gives me the chance to live the gospel toward others. I've learned a lot about how to love people. Yet there is so much more to learn!

As always, thanks for your support and prayers. Please continue to pray for this area, and I could personally use prayer for my personal finances. I love what I'm doing but it does not pay much and with the pressure of school loans, the cost of the road trip home for Christmas, and just the everyday expenses of living in this country - money is always extremely tight. So pray that I either win the lottery (after Mississippi starts having a lottery that is...) or that I can just continue to learn how to trust the Lord that He knows how many hairs are on my head and is able meet me and take care of me where I am. Empty wallet and all.

Until next time. Peace!

There is too much. Let me sum up.

2009-01-09T11:34:00.001-06:00

Living and working in Bay St. Louis, MS is certainly a change from Pearlington, MS. The most obvious is change is community. I actually have more than one friend. More than one person to see and hang out with every day. It is great to have guys around - good guys that I can bounce stuff off of and just have real life and real friendship with. I happen to live with two of them. We have a nice yellow house (dubbed the Yellow Submarine) at the end of a very quiet street. We would probably never get any visitors if it were not for our killer array of DVDs - namely The Office and Arrested Development - or our dogs. All of my friends know that deep down they only come to the house with hopes that Dizzy will snort in their direction. The screened in wrap-around porch should cement our house as the coolest hangout in the Bay come spring time. You heard it here first.

I drove home for Christmas break. My beautiful and wonderful puppy decided to eat a patch of burrs in the middle of Virginia which allowed me to experience what it is like to have a sick dog in the car for a few hours straight. If you have not done this, it will change you. I assume children might be a fair substitute if you don't have access to a puppy.

But home was good. I really love the Bay but I needed to get home and see my family. Doing this type of work is pretty draining and I just needed to be away from here for a while. It was great to see everyone, but the goodbyes were particularly difficult after this trip for some reason. It is good to be back though and trust me, it is a much nicer trip in an twenty year old 4Runner than it is on a twenty-five year old motorcycle. Been there, done that.

So, this is our first week back from Christmas break and it has been a great week. I've been working on a house just north of Waveland, MS. This week I planned to focus on painting the house and building the front and rear stair landings but this team has been amazing. They've not only painted the house, but they've also insulated the house, built a set up stairs to the house, and are finishing up the drywall right now. All this on a house that is 12 feet in the air! Teams like this are the ones I love. They come down with hearts to serve, and leaders who are able to keep the team moving. It has been great!

Moose is doing very well. She loves this site and loves being around the teams. This house seems to be especially good for her because there isn't much traffic and there is a large bayou right behind the house. The team really likes her and at any point she someone to throw the ball for her at her bidding. She's a spoiled little puppy, that's for sure.

It is pretty hard to jump into the idea of starting a blog - So much is currently going on in my life that it would take pages and pages to catch up on my thoughts and feelings. So for now, I'm going to start with a new slate. Check back every few days to catch up on the life of Jeremy in Bay St. Louis. Also, check into the Lagniappe Church website to catch up on more pictures and a more church-wide view of what's happening here in the Bay.