Get behind me, lazy bum.

I have a friend who sits. I mean, not only is he physically capable of making use of his hind-end, he's also proficient at it.

I have watched, on multiple occasions, people ask this person to do a job, or to help with a task, or just engage on something. But these requests seem to fall on deaf ears. This friend will apply himself for a brief period - then POOF... Gone. Not to be seen again for the duration of the task.

I like this friend. I really do, but he's going to have a tough life when it comes to work and life. But I'm not writing to belittle him. I'm writing because I see me in him. The spiritual me.

I'm not sure how many times in my life I have heard good life from Daddy and have forgotten or vanished mid-lesson. I everyday I have an invite to know and be known - but I'm too lazy for that. I'll do it for a little bit, then something distracts me, or it requires too much time and energy. I spend more time on my spiritual ass than I do in the daily task of knowing Daddy.

And yet Daddy spends more time constantly creating me into something new. It is more than I could ever be worthy for. So good to a sitter like me!

I have another friend who is lonely. He's older, a widower. An incredible, caring guy. But he is shy. He doesn't really go out to meet new women. He is where he is.

If we want to know love, we must chase our lover. We must cast off the stuff that holds us down and go after our lover. That's what daddy did first.

I don't know scandalous love. I know good love, safe love, love that isn't, love that is conditional, love of family - lots of different kinds of love. But what is this scandalous love that is Daddy? I want to know. I want to run to that.

I want to be created again today. And get off my ass.

Either blogging sucks, or I suck at blogging. You pick.

Here it is, another attempt to make this blogging thing a habit. We'll see how it goes.

Honestly, the come and go is probably a good thing for me - it usually takes me about 6 months to figure out what is going on in my own heart! The update? Sure, thanks for asking.

I like Jeremy - shocking, I know. Especially for those of you know know me. But honestly, I'm realizing just how deeply this runs. Somewhere I adopted this whole idea that serving and helping was a good thing (and it is!) - but not when my second thought is "what will I get out of it?" I don't want to serve to be served.

Here's the kicker - I've just been informed in my heart that I'm also unteachable. I think that until my heart is actually informed - it is only head knowledge and that never changes very much (except the size of one's own head). But seriously, I don't like correction, I don't like being wrong - and I don't do well when people tell me I'm wrong.

This is a pattern I don't want.

I don't like it in others, why would I expect others to like it in me?

Finally - it has really clicked this week that I have a let's-go personality with a whole lot of keep-up-or-get-out attached to it. If you're close enough to my life that this statement makes sense, thanks for sticking close and sticking it out. I'm learning to let others set the pace for life and friendship - please continue to stick it out with me!

So friends, lovers, countrymen - I'm in the process, you have my word. I'm learning to love and to be loved and I'm learning to let go of the perfect Jeremy so I can embrace the screw-ups around me...



For those of you who bother to read this crap, here is another idea from the brain of Jeremy. Please connect and get involved. I need your help!

...

Thy mercy my God is the theme of my song
The joy of my heart and the boast of my tongue
Thy free grace alone from the first to the last
Hath won my affection and bound my soul fast

Without Thy sweet mercy I could not live here
Sin would reduce me to utter despair
But through Thy free goodness my spirits revive
And He that first made me still keeps me alive

Thy mercy is more than a match for my heart
Which wonders to feel its own hardness depart
Dissolved by Thy goodness I fall to the ground
And weep for the praise of the mercy I've found

Great Father of mercies, Thy goodness I own
And the covenant love of Thy crucified Son
All praise to the Spirit whose whisper divine
Seals mercy and pardon and righteousness mine

-Caedmon's Call

Long Road Out of Here

Tonight has been an entirely sleepless night. I don't know why. I just can't seem to get my brain to turn off. I'm tired, have to be up in less than a half-hour - but yet sleep evades me.

I know what it is. I'm lonely. I'm tired of living in this tired little town. I'm bored with not having friends here - people to hang out with, laugh with, and just share the grittier parts of life with. Don't get me wrong, being so close to family has been an amazing experience and it has given me the safe haven I've needed to begin the healing process from some very deep wounds - but more and more I am hearing the call of the road.

I don't know if that road is leading to Harrisburg, or something farther and newer and seemingly more exciting. And unfortunately, I'm having trouble knowing what the Lord is saying about any of this as well. I know He hears my heart - I have no doubt that. It is my ability to hear His that I doubt.

One of my issues of thought this evening has been my propensity to look back when I cannot see forward. Honestly, this is one of the reasons I hate Facebook - it enables me to stay safe by looking back on past friends rather than focusing on the Lord and looking toward where we're going next. Sure, staying in touch is great, but not when staying in touch is a crutch that may keep me from LIFE.

I suppose it is life I'm most interested in. The problem is, when I don't have an inward sense of vivacious living, I have a tendency to begin to emotionally self-destruct. The Goo Goo Dolls said it best in their lyric, "...you bleed just to know you're alive." It's a pretty awesome downward spiral (sarcasm). I'm hurting, so I'll hurt myself to just check my life-level, which causes me to hurt more. Rinse and repeat as necessary.

Funny thing is, I've known this about myself for years - and so has my family. They've warned me about it, but pain is weakness leaving the body, right? So this whole process must be good for me, right? Enter the realization of, "Jeremy, that makes no sense..."

So what now I suppose. Where is God. As Anita would say, "where is the Christ figure in this story?"

Here... Always has been.

I was recently in a worship service that I desperately wanted to leave. Honestly, the worship leader was just not doing it for me. But you know what? God's cooler than that worship leader and He started speaking to me anyway.

He reminded me that He has always been Faithful and good to me. Even when I'm the farthest I can be from those things (especially toward Him). He said so clearly that I have forgotten promises that He's made over me, but that He doesn't forget one word, promise or covenant ever made between us. Whoa! It is weird to realize that you've forgotten to remember God's goodness - and to have the Goodness of God remind you of it.

That's a feeling I like.

So you know what? Tonight on this sleepless night, that's where I'll start. In thanking Him that He remembers all His promises to me, then asking Him to remind me of them as well.

That's a conversation worth staying up for.

“No good. I’ve known too many Spaniards.”

Friends,
It has been a long time since I’ve had the desire to post anything on here. Life just got too big and fast paced for a while that keeping up for real was impossible – let alone throwing in the idea of blogging about it!

But it is the holidays, so life is slowing down a bit for me (is that weird?).

Since my last post I started a job at the Lowes in Harrisburg PA. I walked through the door, asked for a job as an assistant delivery driver, and was hired as a manager. God’s favor is an incredible blessing! It is really amazing to know that you’re being looked after.

Six months later, I’ve been able to trade out of the old and dying 4Runner I used to drive. I purchased a 2001 Tundra from my old roommate in Mississippi. It’s white and I’m actually a big fan of pickup trucks. I might make a good red-neck after all.

I’ve also gone through some more management training at Lowes and am hoping for a promotion when I become eligible in May. I am also finalizing my training for the world of EMS, so I’ll have some new opportunities through that to help people with my time and energy.

A few years ago I loved Worship. I loved being a part of it, leading it – crying out to God and blessing His name. In the midst of that love, I was blindsided. I was betrayed by friends who should have been the most trustworthy people on the planet. In fact, in one fell swoop, they were able to dishearten my entire family.

It has taken years – and we’ve all had to learn how to struggle, to bleed, and to ultimately cry out to God in our own way. My way has been to go serve others. If I’m helping others with their pain, I can forget my own. Right?

Unfortunately, the rainbow will always end. It will always force us back to facing who we really are. In my case, I am coming to grips with how ferociously I can run from more pain. I am facing the Jeremy who becomes comfortable in the mundane; the inner-urchin that constantly begs for attention from fading sources.

Lagniappe became this for me. They were perfect. They should have loved me perfectly. But poorly conceived wishes always birth strife, and what a painful birthing process that can be!

GRACE. It comes into those WTF? flashpoints. It can and should be the very arms we are able to so safely fall back into. It allowed me to see that even on my best day, I’m a recovering attention-addict. I have a deep seeded desire to know someone and to be known. The problem is that I consistently direct that toward the finite (even usually other Christians). I can say now without a doubt – this is a horrible strategy, for I’ve known too many Christians.

And thus I have started what I thought would be a long journey home. I started attending a good Church in the area here. It is a group of people who want to walk in love, joy, and worship which is a pretty good combination if you ask me.

Have you ever noticed how when we’re paying attention, all of nature screams out revelation of God? Happened to me. This week I was driving to work and I was pondering what life would be without gravity. All too often we dream about the ability to fly or to float, but even while we’re thinking such things, we’re counting on gravity to end our flying session. We get angry that gravity holds us down, but forget that our most basic existence is because of this unseen force. Sure, we want to do without it – but we want the ability to call the shots. We certainly want to be in control, but only when it is convenient for us to be. I’ll bet anyone a weeks worth of coffee at Saint Thomas Roasters that you see God the same way. I do all too often! But what of those days when we submit to the gravity? If we pull our head out of the stars, is walking with a loved one all that bad? Or lying in a field on a summer night to watch the fireworks? It is so wonderful when we fully embrace that which we so often try (ineffectively) to rebel against.

God speaks. If you don’t believe me just ask Him to. That being said, I’ve started asking Him to speak again. It has been slow at first. Tuning in my ears to His voice is a bit of a process since being out of practice. But He’s good and He’s patient, which is good for slower guys like me. He has shown me some beautiful pictures of where I’ve been, where I am, and where He wants to take me. I love the steps that He orders our feet in when we ask me. I must admit, I had forgotten how exciting it is to walk with Daddy!

At this point, I’d like to do a shout-out to my friend Merridy. Without her help I would still be stumbling around in the gray, trying to earn my way back into grace. Seeking and searching for whatever it would be that would put my life in order again enough for God to want to pay attention to me again. It was her words of encouragement that showed me that the same Spirit that was within me years ago, when I so loved and knew how vivaciously I was loved, still lives within me. He never left! Elementary? I know. Life changing? Absolutely!

So here I am, standing on the edge of the rest of my life. I’m tied to only one thing and He can move like the wind at any moment. It is scary, but it is also exactly where I want to be. I want Him. I want to live solely for Him. The journey has begun. I think I’m buckled up. My job from here on out is to let Him be my un-rebelled-against gravity.

Coming soon, to a Blog near you.

Friends. The time has come again. I am being found more and more each day. I'm finding a new peace and joy with each sunrise.

And also I might just start using this blog again - all that to say, stay tuned for a monster updatethatwillendallupdates. Coming soon!

Hi
I'm building furniture for rich people. I've been living on cheeses, exotic salads, humus, and lamb. I just wanted y'all to know I'm alive and well! I feel great and finally have some good projects to work on.

I've been staying in a loft apartment overlooking to stone walled herb gardens and private lake. I have no Internet access at my apartment and very minimal cell signal. It is so nice! All there is to do each day is build stuff and play with Moose.

I've also gotten back into working with autocad. After Mississippi it was the first work to surface. It is good to be drafting again! I've also gotten four calls this week from employers. Some pretty good opportunities. We'll see if any of them work out all the way. This is not a good market for job hunting. I'll be selling a kidney soon just to make ends meet.

Alright, back to work.