Long Road Out of Here

Tonight has been an entirely sleepless night. I don't know why. I just can't seem to get my brain to turn off. I'm tired, have to be up in less than a half-hour - but yet sleep evades me.

I know what it is. I'm lonely. I'm tired of living in this tired little town. I'm bored with not having friends here - people to hang out with, laugh with, and just share the grittier parts of life with. Don't get me wrong, being so close to family has been an amazing experience and it has given me the safe haven I've needed to begin the healing process from some very deep wounds - but more and more I am hearing the call of the road.

I don't know if that road is leading to Harrisburg, or something farther and newer and seemingly more exciting. And unfortunately, I'm having trouble knowing what the Lord is saying about any of this as well. I know He hears my heart - I have no doubt that. It is my ability to hear His that I doubt.

One of my issues of thought this evening has been my propensity to look back when I cannot see forward. Honestly, this is one of the reasons I hate Facebook - it enables me to stay safe by looking back on past friends rather than focusing on the Lord and looking toward where we're going next. Sure, staying in touch is great, but not when staying in touch is a crutch that may keep me from LIFE.

I suppose it is life I'm most interested in. The problem is, when I don't have an inward sense of vivacious living, I have a tendency to begin to emotionally self-destruct. The Goo Goo Dolls said it best in their lyric, "...you bleed just to know you're alive." It's a pretty awesome downward spiral (sarcasm). I'm hurting, so I'll hurt myself to just check my life-level, which causes me to hurt more. Rinse and repeat as necessary.

Funny thing is, I've known this about myself for years - and so has my family. They've warned me about it, but pain is weakness leaving the body, right? So this whole process must be good for me, right? Enter the realization of, "Jeremy, that makes no sense..."

So what now I suppose. Where is God. As Anita would say, "where is the Christ figure in this story?"

Here... Always has been.

I was recently in a worship service that I desperately wanted to leave. Honestly, the worship leader was just not doing it for me. But you know what? God's cooler than that worship leader and He started speaking to me anyway.

He reminded me that He has always been Faithful and good to me. Even when I'm the farthest I can be from those things (especially toward Him). He said so clearly that I have forgotten promises that He's made over me, but that He doesn't forget one word, promise or covenant ever made between us. Whoa! It is weird to realize that you've forgotten to remember God's goodness - and to have the Goodness of God remind you of it.

That's a feeling I like.

So you know what? Tonight on this sleepless night, that's where I'll start. In thanking Him that He remembers all His promises to me, then asking Him to remind me of them as well.

That's a conversation worth staying up for.