“No good. I’ve known too many Spaniards.”

Friends,
It has been a long time since I’ve had the desire to post anything on here. Life just got too big and fast paced for a while that keeping up for real was impossible – let alone throwing in the idea of blogging about it!

But it is the holidays, so life is slowing down a bit for me (is that weird?).

Since my last post I started a job at the Lowes in Harrisburg PA. I walked through the door, asked for a job as an assistant delivery driver, and was hired as a manager. God’s favor is an incredible blessing! It is really amazing to know that you’re being looked after.

Six months later, I’ve been able to trade out of the old and dying 4Runner I used to drive. I purchased a 2001 Tundra from my old roommate in Mississippi. It’s white and I’m actually a big fan of pickup trucks. I might make a good red-neck after all.

I’ve also gone through some more management training at Lowes and am hoping for a promotion when I become eligible in May. I am also finalizing my training for the world of EMS, so I’ll have some new opportunities through that to help people with my time and energy.

A few years ago I loved Worship. I loved being a part of it, leading it – crying out to God and blessing His name. In the midst of that love, I was blindsided. I was betrayed by friends who should have been the most trustworthy people on the planet. In fact, in one fell swoop, they were able to dishearten my entire family.

It has taken years – and we’ve all had to learn how to struggle, to bleed, and to ultimately cry out to God in our own way. My way has been to go serve others. If I’m helping others with their pain, I can forget my own. Right?

Unfortunately, the rainbow will always end. It will always force us back to facing who we really are. In my case, I am coming to grips with how ferociously I can run from more pain. I am facing the Jeremy who becomes comfortable in the mundane; the inner-urchin that constantly begs for attention from fading sources.

Lagniappe became this for me. They were perfect. They should have loved me perfectly. But poorly conceived wishes always birth strife, and what a painful birthing process that can be!

GRACE. It comes into those WTF? flashpoints. It can and should be the very arms we are able to so safely fall back into. It allowed me to see that even on my best day, I’m a recovering attention-addict. I have a deep seeded desire to know someone and to be known. The problem is that I consistently direct that toward the finite (even usually other Christians). I can say now without a doubt – this is a horrible strategy, for I’ve known too many Christians.

And thus I have started what I thought would be a long journey home. I started attending a good Church in the area here. It is a group of people who want to walk in love, joy, and worship which is a pretty good combination if you ask me.

Have you ever noticed how when we’re paying attention, all of nature screams out revelation of God? Happened to me. This week I was driving to work and I was pondering what life would be without gravity. All too often we dream about the ability to fly or to float, but even while we’re thinking such things, we’re counting on gravity to end our flying session. We get angry that gravity holds us down, but forget that our most basic existence is because of this unseen force. Sure, we want to do without it – but we want the ability to call the shots. We certainly want to be in control, but only when it is convenient for us to be. I’ll bet anyone a weeks worth of coffee at Saint Thomas Roasters that you see God the same way. I do all too often! But what of those days when we submit to the gravity? If we pull our head out of the stars, is walking with a loved one all that bad? Or lying in a field on a summer night to watch the fireworks? It is so wonderful when we fully embrace that which we so often try (ineffectively) to rebel against.

God speaks. If you don’t believe me just ask Him to. That being said, I’ve started asking Him to speak again. It has been slow at first. Tuning in my ears to His voice is a bit of a process since being out of practice. But He’s good and He’s patient, which is good for slower guys like me. He has shown me some beautiful pictures of where I’ve been, where I am, and where He wants to take me. I love the steps that He orders our feet in when we ask me. I must admit, I had forgotten how exciting it is to walk with Daddy!

At this point, I’d like to do a shout-out to my friend Merridy. Without her help I would still be stumbling around in the gray, trying to earn my way back into grace. Seeking and searching for whatever it would be that would put my life in order again enough for God to want to pay attention to me again. It was her words of encouragement that showed me that the same Spirit that was within me years ago, when I so loved and knew how vivaciously I was loved, still lives within me. He never left! Elementary? I know. Life changing? Absolutely!

So here I am, standing on the edge of the rest of my life. I’m tied to only one thing and He can move like the wind at any moment. It is scary, but it is also exactly where I want to be. I want Him. I want to live solely for Him. The journey has begun. I think I’m buckled up. My job from here on out is to let Him be my un-rebelled-against gravity.